The Measure of Love is Love Without Measure.
by Family Councils Ontario
I was the favoured niece of my Aunt Margaret. She lived directly across the road from our house and I spent half of my growing up years in her house as much as in mine. She showered me with attention and love. She spoiled me with gifts. We had been very close.
I was about to celebrate turning fifty when I realized that her forgetfulness was something more. I am the youngest of six children and so in a way turning 50 was a milestone for all of us. My older siblings were now in their 60’s and 70’s. I had invited my whole family to come together with singing, dancing and my husband even hired a Mariachi band to help me celebrate.
About a month before the party my brother was speaking to my Aunt suggesting that he pick her up so she wouldn’t have to drive herself. We were very concerned about her ability to drive. She said she was not coming to the party.
My brother was shocked at Aunt Margaret’s announcement and he began to talk to her to find out why she had decided not to attend my party. She told my brother that I was “involved” with her doctor and because of that she didn’t want anything more to do with me. She said that the doctor had made a house call and that I was there and we had gone into the back bedroom for a long time. She went on to say how angry she was that I would do something like that and wondered how to tell my husband. Of course my brother was amazed by this story. He tried to calm her down and tell her that this was not a true story but Aunt Margaret would not listen and became very upset with him for doubting her.
My brother called me immediately after speaking with her and asked me what was going on. He recounted the story he had just heard. We immediately realized that her dementia was far more serious than we had thought. Her dream about me was so real that it had taken over her thoughts. Her knowledge of me and my relationship with her was suddenly forgotten. She was completely caught up in a dream that was now her reality.
I called her the next day to see if she was still feeling the same way and she refused to speak with me hanging up the phone as soon as she realized it was me. It was so difficult for me to understand this behaviour. She had never been angry with me and would never had hung up on me; that was not something my gentle aunt would ever do.
Heartbroken my two older brothers and I decided we needed to visit her together to see if we could find a way to convince her that her thoughts about me were not reality. We hoped to get her to agree to come to the family gathering to celebrate my birthday.
When we arrived at her home she took one look at me and refused to stay in the same room. My brothers followed her to the back of the house where she angrily stated that she wanted nothing to do with me and repeated her story about the doctor’s visit. She recounted details of the visit and the story had become more embellished since her first telling.
My brothers argued with her. Of course we know now that in her realty the story was true and it was not going to help trying to convince her otherwise. My very protective older brothers were sure they could make her see that I was her beloved niece and the dream about me and her doctor was simply that. Their efforts were not successful, Aunt Margaret was caught in the story and my birthday celebration came and went without her.
About a week after the celebration I went to visit her and she had no memory of her anger. She greeted me warmly and we had a lovely visit.
Dementia is powerful and can be heartbreaking for a caregiver. Loving my Aunt as I did helped me through this heart break, I knew that it was her illness that was making her so angry and giving her dreadful stories that she thought were true. As she moved through this phase of her illness somewhere deep inside I know she remembered the real me. She went into a Long Term Care home soon after this episode and was able to live out the rest of her days comfortably. I knew after all our years together that, in spite of this illness, she was still my beloved aunt and I was her favoured Niece. It was a challenge to hang on to the essence of our relationship but it was always there to help us both through this difficult time.
- Lorraine, FCO Executive Director